05 Jul Guest Blog: Values And Confidence – How To Kiss Your Indecisive Mind Goodbye, And Get Your Unique Self-Confidence Back by Keana Tavrou-Thompson
***WARNING: Make sure you get comfy with a cup of your favourite poison (lemongrass and ginger tea with honey for me, please) because we’re about to go through some life changing stuff.
We weren’t born unsure of ourselves, right? When we were little, we knew EXACTLY what we wanted, and we worked to get it. We didn’t have to manage the now learnt and imprinted worry of judgement, fears, or the stress of keeping up with social expectations.
So, what changed?
As we grew up, and experienced a whole bunch of different inputs from different sources, all of this became blurred.
We’re always on the fence. Which way is right? What do I really want? Who am I, really? Why am I doing this? Why aren’t I doing that? What makes my life special?
Don’t get me wrong, all this input, and the ability to make decisions based on learnings is great. BUT, only if we can do it with the concrete knowledge of our own sacred values. Otherwise, it can prevent us from staying in touch with who WE are, intuitively and naturally.
Do we have our own values, or do we have ‘societal values’, that are actually decided for us? To get to the bottom of this question, we dig deep, and we find what truly matters.
Before this can be achieved, though, it’s important that you are open to seeing your true self. Then, when you find traits or behaviours that don’t align with your unique values, you can alter them to become more resourceful towards the life you want to live. This ability to make of our circumstances what we wish to, and create and lead a life we love, is where we gain our confidence from.
Values and beliefs are complimentary to one another, and together form our attitudes towards different concepts, but it is commonly misconstrued that they are the same. So let’s start with a quick run-down of the difference.
Values are ultimately feelings that we hold to be important such as; awareness, family, thankfulness, independence, harmony, loyalty, equality, and respect. We may not necessarily believe them to be true, but we believe that they are significant to us.
Beliefs, on the other hand, are assumptions which we believe to be true about the world. Things such as “not everyone is treated equal”, and “lying is bad.”
Our beliefs shape our values, while our values shape our behaviour. For example, we may believe that not everyone is treated equal, and this may influence us to value equality. Therefore, our social behaviour will consist of treating everyone equally.
So, what can identifying my values give me?
Knowing your values and why they’re important to you can connect you to like-minded people, and give you the benefit of more fulfilling relationships. Your decision making will become clearer, and as a result you will build confidence in your behaviours and yourself as a unique, values driven person. By learning more about your values, you can make your desired values more accessible, and your undesired values less accessible.
Ever notice how when you understand your partner better, you have more confidence in them? This is exactly why communication is the pinnacle of relationships. Why deprive yourself of that communication with yourself?
This values work can and will show you a profound new understanding of yourself, and give you the confidence to lead a life on your terms, no matter what stage of life you’re in (one of my biggest advocates is 50 – it’s never too early or too late to choose your path, ladies! After all, timelines are just a social construct, and we don’t have to abide by those…).
About 15 years ago, just after my parents broke up, I was doing a program at school for kids with broken families. We talked about what we did when we felt sad or angry, things we could do for ourselves to feel happy, and we talked about what really mattered to us. When it comes down to it, what really matters? What do I believe in most?
I wrote that I valued feeling happy over adding to the trauma and division. I chose to commit my behaviour to respecting my parents for choosing happiness apart over unhappiness together, and I worked on maintaining my relationships with both of them.
My point here is, without identifying your values, REALLY putting in the work to decide and embody what’s important to you, it’s almost impossible to be totally confident in it, and consequently, almost impossible for your behaviours to consistently follow.
SO, now that you know WHAT values are, and WHY it’s important to be familiar with them, I can show you HOW to connect with them.
If you’re struggling to identify what your most important values are, try thinking about what you’d like to feel more often. Start by looking at an area of your life that isn’t quite satisfying you at the moment… What value or feeling would make this more satisfying? Identify your top 5 five values (you can choose one area of life that you’d like to improve on, or you may choose to keep it universal).
WRITE THEM DOWN! Super important step. We retain more info, and think more clearly when we’re writing things down. Plus, it’s a bonus to be able to go back and reflect on our progress and changes later.
Because we like balance, we’re going to think about our negative values too. These are the ones that we DON’T like to experience; the ones we’d like to focus on moving away from (e.g. guilt or discomfort). You could identify these by looking at an area of your life that isn’t satisfactory, and noticing what you feel a lot that you’d like to feel less. Again, take note of your top 5 negative values.
We’ve already got some great self-awareness here, which in itself is life changing. BUT, I do like to over deliver – so let’s go to the next level.
Our values are driven by certain RULES. These rules maintain what we must endure in order to feel our values. For example, if my value is freedom, I would have rules which I subconsciously created for myself in order to feel free. Maybe I need to be travelling to feel free, or maybe I need to be free from obligations, to feel free.
These rules are both reasonably hard to maintain for the average person. We all have obligations, and most of us can’t be travelling all the time. So, we redefine these rules to allow for MORE freedom.
For example:
“I will feel free when I wake up in the morning and get to decide what to wear.”
OR
“I will feel free when I am confronted with a difficult situation and get to choose how I act in that moment.”
These are examples of more easily accessible rules. Redefining our rules like this, and relating our values to simple everyday situations allows us to feel our important values more often.
Now, vice versa for our negative values… Usually the rules we have for our negative values are more easily accessible than those of our desired values (typical, huh?). What we want to do with these is make them LESS accessible states.
So, say I don’t want to feel unworthy. My current rules may be “I will feel unworthy when someone tells me I’m not good enough,” or “I will feel unworthy when I don’t get something right the first time.”
It’s likely that these things will happen often, and more importantly, they are out of our control. We want to redefine our rules to things that we are very unlikely to experience, and when we do, they are in our control. We are taking ownership for the values we want to experience.
Perhaps, “I will feel unworthy if I stop caring about myself and others.” These new rules will be totally unique to you. Let your subconscious express these new rules without judgement. Get creative.
Write down your NEW, REDEFINED rules. These are your new mantras!
OK, so you now know WHAT values are, WHY you need to get in touch with them, and HOW exactly to do that on a deep level. You should also know what your values are, and how to elicit them in resourceful ways that align with your unique purpose.
There’s nothing that gives more of a genuine, lasting confidence boost than understanding yourself deeply, and being able to work your values and rules to your benefit, to ultimately live a life you LOVE!
Go forth and conquer!
If you’re having troubles identifying your values or reframing what you don’t want into what you do, please feel free to contact me via email at k_eana@outlook.com to secure your COMPLIMENTARY 60min values alignment session. ♡
Hello friends!
I’m Keana, a Psychology graduate, Empowerment Coach and creator of Empowering Intuition. I work with people who are experiencing emotional blocks or limiting beliefs who are struggling to move forward. My coaching business Empowering Intuition was created to inspire and facilitate personal development through self-love. In my approach I challenge traditional Psychological views which tend to disempower people from self-healing. As a qualified coach, I use specialised techniques to eliminate these blocks, and give you your confidence back. Self-love is the foundation for living an empowered and fulfilling life, so let’s start there. ♡
LINKS:
www.empoweringintuition.com.au