25 Jul Five years later and this is what I’ve learnt
*Trigger warning* If this article brings up issues for you please contact Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636 or Lifeline on 13 11 14
Have you ever had one of those moments in your life where you thought you wouldn’t recover? When something happens and you feel as if the entire world could just stop and you’d be ok with that? It’s the point in your life that you can put a pin in and say “that’s where it all changed for me.” Well, that was exactly five years ago today for me, and I can remember it as if it were this morning. My day started out as normal, I packed my lunch and gym bag and got in the car to head to work. It was a typical Gold Coast Winter morning, clear skies and a little fresh but nothing too outrageous. I had only been on the M1 for a couple of minutes when the traffic came to a halt because the highway bottle-necked a little further up. I came to a stop behind the Navara in front of me and braced as I watched the girl in her Astra behind me, wishing her to stop in time; she did. I let out a sigh of relief and relaxed, when a guy who had been on his phone hit the back of the Astra; he had been at around 110km per hour and only looked up in time to hit the brakes some five or so metres away, the tyre marks were there for months to come. His Skyline ploughed into the back of her car, her car went hurtling into mine, and of course my car was sent under the Ute in front. I swore, put the hand brake on, turned my car off and picked up my phone and business cards as I got out of the car. My ears were ringing as I was calling out to the three other people involved to see if they were OK, we exchanged details and I took photos of the four cars piled up together and called my Dad as the police showed up to take statements.
I didn’t realise it in that moment but I was in a lot of trouble. My body had taken two serious impacts from my car being sandwiched, and once the adrenaline wore off I would certainly know about it. When I showed up to my doctor a few hours later, I had bruises from my seat belt across my shoulder, chest and lap, my wrist and forearm were jarred from where I was holding the steering wheel and I had done damage to my neck and shoulders; they call that part Whiplash Associated Disorder and I was going to need months and months of Physiotherapy, pain killers and anti-inflammatory’s. I was diagnosed with Depression and Anxiety and also had a charming new condition, PTSD. I couldn’t get into a car without crying hysterically which, coupled with the meds I was taking, made it rather difficult to function. Some days I couldn’t get out of bed. Most days I had migraines and each day I was in constant pain, I couldn’t lift my left arm to tie up my hair, I couldn’t make my bed and needless to say my memory was completely unreliable. I felt useless, worthless and alone.
Thankfully, my story didn’t end there. It has taken a lot of work, there have been more than a few tears shed and set backs for sure. I absolutely believe that the accident was instrumental in shaping the person that I am today and I am grateful for the lessons I’ve had to learn along the way. Here is what I wish I could have told a younger me (and actually had the sense to take on board)
On Relationships
Things aren’t always going to work out the way you might have imagined. People are going to disappoint you, lie to you, hurt you and leave you and there’s not a damn thing you can do to stop it. Guess what? You’re going to do the same thing to them too. We’re all human! What you can do is be completely open and honest, you can set your boundaries and stick to them, you can be understanding, you can stay calm and talk things out like the adult you are. Accept that things aren’t always going to go the way you want but that it’s ok for them not to. You’re the only one responsible for your happiness so don’t try and put that on someone else or hope that they’ll complete you; you’ve got to be two whole people coming together, not two halves. Don’t dumb yourself down for anyone, you are a magnificent, accomplished, wanted firecracker – never disrespect that! Oh, and make Aretha Franklin’s ‘Respect’ your theme song/mantra, because that’s what you deserve!
On Friends
You should know by now that some people in your life will enrich it, each and every day; then there are the others who seem to be more taxing and hard work than anything else. Some friends are only meant for a period of time, there’s a lesson in there somewhere for you. As I said above, be open, honest, set your boundaries and stick to them, you are responsible for your happiness and no one is obligated to pick you up each time you fall. Don’t get me wrong, a good friend (one of those ones who enriches your life) will probably be there for you without you having to say a thing, and you’d likely do the same for them. There is a saying floating around that you are the sum of the five people you spend the most time with, so make sure you like who you’re associating with. You and your friends should be able to have your own beliefs and interests and not necessarily have to agree on everything but that should be all part of the fun. Learn when to listen, when to respond and try not to take them for granted. If ever something does go wrong and you can’t come to a resolution, remember that this is someone you’ve cared for; don’t get petty or nasty, just wish them well and give each other some space, it’ll do you both the world of good.
On Health
You’ve really got to take better care of your body. Stop telling it all of the things you hate about it, filling it with shit food, drinking too much booze, not getting enough rest, over working, under exercising and generally just mistreating and not appreciating your body. Your mental health is super important too! Never, ever, ever, EVER!! Think that you’re alone, crazy, worthless, useless or any of the other things that nasty little hater voice crops up to tell you from time to time. You are an amazing, unique, beautiful, perfect being who might need to learn a few more lessons but that’s all there is to it, OK? So, move every day (even for 10 minutes!), eat better food, cook more (you can cook, it’s a matter of wanting to), stop comparing yourself to everyone else and be kind to those around you. The more positive your thoughts and words are, the more radiant, happy and empowered you will be. The more love you put out there, the more you’ll have in return. Seriously, it sounds cliche but it’s the truth.
On Social Media
What you spend your time pouring your energy into, giving your attention to and filling your mind with is going to have consequences. Social media has totally changed the way that we communicate as a society and in some ways it has brought us forward in leaps and bounds. Unfortunately, there’s an ugly side to our socials and if you haven’t already come across it yourself, I’m sure you will one day. Don’t take online stuff to heart, things are never what they seem, Instagram models use photo-shopped images all the time, which means they don’t even look like that! You don’t have to look like anyone else, you don’t need to try and replicate the life they show online and remember that people only put up what they want you to see. The best thing you can do is limit your time on social media, you’ve got so many other things you want to do with your life anyway! Don’t spend all your time scrolling through feeds.
On Finance
Stop buying shit you don’t need and can’t afford. Seriously! I love the idea of Afterpay but if you need to use it to buy something you want then you cannot afford it. Cooking your meals, preparing your lunch and cutting out the extra coffees you buy during the day is a really good start. Let me show you… The average cost of a coffee is $3.54, if you bought 1 coffee, 5 days a week, 48 weeks a year, it’ll cost you $849.60. Let’s say the average takeaway lunch is $10 a pop, 5 days a week, 48 weeks a year and you’ll drop $2400. Oh, and your credit cards? Do yourself a favour and transfer them to one of the many 0% balance transfer cards, pay if off and close it down. Get into the habit of saving 10% of your earnings each and every pay and you’ll find you don’t ‘need‘ the credit cards anyway. Get a copy of The Richest Man in Babylon by George S. Clason and read it, at least twice.
On Gratitude
My last lesson for you, the one that turned my life around. Be grateful. Gratitude for everything in your life, the wonderful and the challenging, shifts you from focusing on what you think your life lacks to appreciating all aspects of your life as gifts, it reduces stress, makes you happier and improves the lives of the people around you too – everyone loves to be around high energy, positive vibes!
Finally, work out what you stand for, what you want to do in life and who you want to be – then go and do that. You’ll be as successful, loving, cherished, brave, gracious, healthy and secure as you allow yourself to be.
I’m rooting for you!
Lauren xx